Why?

You have left me questioning;
closed doors were reopened
and I find myself in limbo, again.
The healing process is slowed by your ripping
the band aid off, fast and without warning.

Why?
Why pull me into the
doubts you may be having?

I found a small place in my heart to store
my disappointment, while I placed
your happiness, your joy, your future
at the forefront.

It was not easy, but I did it.

Why?
Why disrupt the progress?
Why tell me things were best when we were together?
Why make me question your happiness,
when it was the one salvation I had for a breaking heart?

Happiness and Heartache are Intertwined

Today I wept.

D. called to tell me he is engaged; he wanted me to hear the news from him. I am happy for him, sincerely happy for him! I knew the day would come; I have always wanted him to find the love and the happiness I could not give him. And, I really do appreciate that he still cares about me enough to have told me himself.

I just hadn't prepared myself for my reaction to the news. Today I found myself grieving the loss of our relationship, again. There is a part of me that is embarrassed by my reaction, part of me angry; but mostly, I am glad I took the opportunity to love deeply enough that I feel this pain at a molecular level, at the very core of my being. It is my hope that I will have the opportunity and take the chance to experience this depth of love again.

Tomorrow, I will revel in the dawning of a new day and I will force myself to experience the beauty that surrounds me. Tomorrow, I will be happy for what I have in my life and not what I think I am missing. Tomorrow, I will be "me" again; but today...

Today, I allow myself to react to the news, to let myself grieve, to feel sad, and to let my heart ache. Today, I listen to my "sad" CD and wish for an Unbreakable Heart.

A Visit Long Overdue

I've had this post sitting amongst my drafts for awhile now...I guess I wanted to make it perfect, but the words are never right when it comes to describing Dustin and the impact he made on my life. (And for some reason blogger will not allow me to seperate the gratitude stanza and the one following {the numbness is gone}...grrr.)


While in Columbia visiting family and enjoying some of my summer vacation, I finally made the time to go visit a dear friend. While I have talked to and thought about Dustin nearly every day for the past six years, it's probably been four years since I've visited.

As I approach I am overwhelmed...my heart cries and then come the tears.

So many emotions, I drop to my knees.

ANGER

WHY?! WHY?! WHY!!

Why does this happen...why did it have to be you?

REGRET

I should have come sooner, I should come more often.

I should have patted you on the back, I should have hugged you more often.

I should have been here more for Devin.

I'm sorry...that I missed out.

GRATITUDE

Student, athlete, my "adopted" brother, friend.

Quick glances, brief moments...I'd swear I saw you out of the corner of my eye

down the hall...comfort...you are still with me.

Laughter. Smiles. Sarcasm.

God knows that you are laughing at me right now.

Three blessed years.

Pain. Bearable, because I loved.

The numbness is gone;
my chest aches, my joints are stiff as I start to move.

It's time to go, but I don't want to leave,

I've found the peace that I've needed for so long,

I've reveled in memories, giggled and laughed,

you brought the smile out of me again...I HATE GOODBYES.

A slight breeze blows, a whisper on the wind.
I wipe the tears from my eyes..."yes, you made Miss D. cry."
I stand, say my goodbyes, and promise to return soon.
A glance back, a sigh as I start the engine, and a giggle;

"You may have made me cry...but I brought you flowers."

Dustin Lee Abel
1985-2001

Daddy's Little Girl, With a Broken Heart

I am my father's daughter; I have his sense of humor, we share several physical characteristics, have many of the same interests, and we are both a bit guarded and yet very tenderhearted. For years I also thought I received my strength, sense of responsibility, and dedication to family from him...it has been in recent years I have learned these are qualities that come from my mother.

My dad has always been the most important person in my life. While growing up, there wasn't anything I wouldn't do to be in his presence: beg, plead, cry, purposely piss off my mom, skip outings with my friends, etc. Although a very social person, my father is a bit of a loner. He always had friends, but few of them would be considered close. It is because of this trait that I had to work really hard to have more than just a surface relationship with him.

Every decision I made was first sifted through the filter of what would disappoint my father. My interests were often determined by the things my father enjoyed, in hopes that we could bond over the experience. I was proud of my father and for him to be proud of me was all I ever desired. Pats on the back were few and far between, but those few were magical, and I can remember every detail of the moment.

In the last few years, I have been forced to see and accept the flaws that lie within my dad. While I was never naive enough to believe he was perfect, I realize now I had devised a different set of rules for my father...much different from the standards everyone else in my life was expected to follow. My father devastated my family by straying from his marriage vows. After thirty-five years of marriage, my parents divorced and I found myself making excuses for his transgressions.

I grieve the family I lost (age does not make divorce any easier), but more than that, I miss the rose-colored glasses that were stripped from my eyes in regards to my father. It has been painful to realize his disrespect toward my mother, my siblings, and myself.

Despite the choices my father has made, I love him and I want him to be happy. It is this undeniable love for him that also pains me. I find that as he moves in a different direction in his life the relationship I have worked so hard to build, for so many years, has also begun to deteriorate. I am forced to face the possibility that this relationship has always been more one sided than I ever wanted to believe. I hate feeling like I wasted years of my life chasing something that could never be obtained...I want him to do the chasing for a while. So much of who I am is wrapped in who I thought he was and the relationship I thought we had...there is a part of me that really needs him to prove to me that it wasn't all a lie.

The pedestal on which I placed my father has come crashing down and the splinters of reality have embedded themselves deep within my skin, quite possibly my soul. Never before have I been faced with the question: which is worse, disappointing my father or being disappointed by him? Right now, I'm not sure if I am strong enough to handle the answer that is staring back at me.

Reminiscing

Here's to those men in my life who taught me even more about who I am and what I want. Each relationship was a lesson...some better than others, but nonetheless, I took something positive from each experience. Please note while reading that I have no misconceptions about my role in the demise of these relationships.

E...a.k.a...The Heartbreaker
The first boy I ever dated. I was young, naive and fell head over heels for him. The bliss lasted about three and a half months before he decided he "wasn't being fair to me." I was devastated and unfortunately a little pathetic in dealing with my heartache. (It now makes me shake my head and smile.) E is in his second marriage and oddly enough we have remained friends for about fifteen years.

F...a.k.a...The One I Should Have Married?
The first boy to take an interest in me at college...I brushed him aside in order to date E.
Despite my rejection, we remained close. He made me laugh hysterically, he made me feel safe, loved, and beautiful. He was four years older and seemed way too intelligent and too sophisticated to ever be happy (in my mind) with the likes of me...he also seemed to know what he wanted while I was just beginning to seriously think and dream about my future. He equally scared and excited me; fear won out and we went in different directions. If soul mates exist, F is one of mine. F is married and we too remain friends.

D...a.k.a...The First Boy I Ever Really Loved
He transferred in my junior year of college...I noticed him in the student union and was really surprised when he suddenly started contacting me. We had so much in common: upbringings, interests, sports, friends, etc. I fell in love with his family soon after I fell in love with him. I experienced things with D that I now find myself looking for in the new men I date. We dated for three years before breaking up. It was ugly, it was painful and unhealthy for the both of us. We remained in contact...ocassional contact; I remained in very close contact with his family. D and I still relied on each other in our most difficult moments. We tried it again...he was planning on proposing; I had no idea. I'm still very close to his family, but haven't spoken to D since last April...there was a blow-up; he was hoping for things I couldn't give him. He has since cut off/declined all communications with me...I miss him a lot, but know that no matter how much I love him, we are not meant to be together. I wish him all the happiness in love and life and I will always appreciate, love, and respect him for allowing me to remain close to his family.

S...a.k.a...The Bait and Switch
We met through a mutual friend and hit it off instantly. He was supportive and loved that I was a teacher and a coach. S saw me at some of my weakest moments and was great about just hugging me tightly and not trying to say the right thing. He was ready to settle down and he began to make me think that I was also. He was instrumental in a decision to further my career at a different school...he suddenly became less supportive. S began telling me that when we got married I could no longer coach because I would have to be home to take care of our children. I ended things, realizing that I was not ready to settle down, nor was I going to allow anyone to make decisions for me. S is married...I have not talked to him since the breakup.

S...a.k.a...The Confused Half-Truther
Our first face to face meeting was over a cup of coffee where we had great conversations about books, life, love, and the world in general. As we readied ourselves to go, S anxiously asked if he could take me out for dinner the following weekend. I accepted and so began a whirlwind courtship of about four months. S said he was divorced...I found out he was actually separated and that papers were about to be filed. S said that he was ready to move on with his life...he insisted I meet his ex (or soon to be) wife. I did after much hesitation...she was lovely and in different circumstances, I imagine that we could be really good friends. While I pursued the relationship at a steady speed(much to his chagrin), S mentioned me moving into his house. S and I had some wonderful times together, the last being a trip to spend Thanksgiving with his mother. A couple weeks later the history on his computer showed that he had been visiting a singles website...when confronted with this truth, S said he hadn't given himself enough time to grieve his divorce and that he thought we were just too different. He wanted to remain friends, to continue to hang out...I said no.