An all too familiar experience

I apologize in advance for the lack of cohesion this post will have...it's more about me purging emotion than publishing a well-written piece.

I walked into the building as our principal instructed teachers to make sure they read the bulletin for an important announcement. Unfortunately that announcement we were supposed to read was about the death of one of our students. A sophomore boy named Jamel collapsed at wrestling practice yesterday afternoon and died in the hospital last night. The announcement also instructed teachers to share the news with our students this morning.

J. walked into my room first thing this morning and we began our morning conversation just like every other morning. This morning J. started to tell me about a wrestler having to go to the hospital yesterday at practice. I was not prepared to break this news, but I asked J. to wait a moment before going out to the hallway (where discussions were already being had). I told him that I needed to talk to him about the incident he had just mentioned and proceeded to share the information I had with him. Blank. The blank...I don't know how to process, this must be a joke, how could this happen...stare that I have seen too many times in my ten years of education.

That look haunts me. In ten years of education, I have attended 10 funerals of students and athletes (none in the past three years). I have always said the one thing that will drive me out of education is having to deal with the loss of my students...it is something I have a very difficult time coming to terms with. As bad as it sounds, I am glad that I didn't know this student personally (although I hear he was a really great young man...it seems that the ones we lose generally are)...I'm not sure that I would have had the strength to deal with that loss right now.

It is exactly ten days until the anniversary of Dustin's death. I generally find myself to be melancholy a good portion of November. The 28th has been in the back of my mind and I've subconsciously been preparing for the day. Despite my best efforts, there will be both an uncontrollable physical and emotional reaction. I wasn't prepared for the sadness to settle in today, but the news and the reactions to Jamel's death have opened the floodgates.

I am fortunate to work in a field in which I get to know and love teens...on the flip side of that, they are often the most unpredictable and risk-taking group alive. They still think they are invincible and often put themselves into dangerous situations. The loss of young life is the most tragic of any loss...so much potential lost to the world. I don't know that I will ever come to grips or understand why this happens.

More positive posts to come later...promise.

A Visit Long Overdue

I've had this post sitting amongst my drafts for awhile now...I guess I wanted to make it perfect, but the words are never right when it comes to describing Dustin and the impact he made on my life. (And for some reason blogger will not allow me to seperate the gratitude stanza and the one following {the numbness is gone}...grrr.)


While in Columbia visiting family and enjoying some of my summer vacation, I finally made the time to go visit a dear friend. While I have talked to and thought about Dustin nearly every day for the past six years, it's probably been four years since I've visited.

As I approach I am overwhelmed...my heart cries and then come the tears.

So many emotions, I drop to my knees.

ANGER

WHY?! WHY?! WHY!!

Why does this happen...why did it have to be you?

REGRET

I should have come sooner, I should come more often.

I should have patted you on the back, I should have hugged you more often.

I should have been here more for Devin.

I'm sorry...that I missed out.

GRATITUDE

Student, athlete, my "adopted" brother, friend.

Quick glances, brief moments...I'd swear I saw you out of the corner of my eye

down the hall...comfort...you are still with me.

Laughter. Smiles. Sarcasm.

God knows that you are laughing at me right now.

Three blessed years.

Pain. Bearable, because I loved.

The numbness is gone;
my chest aches, my joints are stiff as I start to move.

It's time to go, but I don't want to leave,

I've found the peace that I've needed for so long,

I've reveled in memories, giggled and laughed,

you brought the smile out of me again...I HATE GOODBYES.

A slight breeze blows, a whisper on the wind.
I wipe the tears from my eyes..."yes, you made Miss D. cry."
I stand, say my goodbyes, and promise to return soon.
A glance back, a sigh as I start the engine, and a giggle;

"You may have made me cry...but I brought you flowers."

Dustin Lee Abel
1985-2001