A Visit Long Overdue

I've had this post sitting amongst my drafts for awhile now...I guess I wanted to make it perfect, but the words are never right when it comes to describing Dustin and the impact he made on my life. (And for some reason blogger will not allow me to seperate the gratitude stanza and the one following {the numbness is gone}...grrr.)


While in Columbia visiting family and enjoying some of my summer vacation, I finally made the time to go visit a dear friend. While I have talked to and thought about Dustin nearly every day for the past six years, it's probably been four years since I've visited.

As I approach I am overwhelmed...my heart cries and then come the tears.

So many emotions, I drop to my knees.

ANGER

WHY?! WHY?! WHY!!

Why does this happen...why did it have to be you?

REGRET

I should have come sooner, I should come more often.

I should have patted you on the back, I should have hugged you more often.

I should have been here more for Devin.

I'm sorry...that I missed out.

GRATITUDE

Student, athlete, my "adopted" brother, friend.

Quick glances, brief moments...I'd swear I saw you out of the corner of my eye

down the hall...comfort...you are still with me.

Laughter. Smiles. Sarcasm.

God knows that you are laughing at me right now.

Three blessed years.

Pain. Bearable, because I loved.

The numbness is gone;
my chest aches, my joints are stiff as I start to move.

It's time to go, but I don't want to leave,

I've found the peace that I've needed for so long,

I've reveled in memories, giggled and laughed,

you brought the smile out of me again...I HATE GOODBYES.

A slight breeze blows, a whisper on the wind.
I wipe the tears from my eyes..."yes, you made Miss D. cry."
I stand, say my goodbyes, and promise to return soon.
A glance back, a sigh as I start the engine, and a giggle;

"You may have made me cry...but I brought you flowers."

Dustin Lee Abel
1985-2001

My Own Worst Enemy

I've not been posting like I've intended because my brain has been occupied with other things and people in my life. It seems that when things are going really well that I (for some strange reason) must begin over-thinking everything instead of just enjoying the moment or experiences. It wouldn't be so bad if I weren't dragging others into my craziness. I'm working to keep past mistakes and experiences from dictating my current choices; it's scary and it's tough.

Google Tag...Via Emily

The rules: for each question, look up the answer in a Google Image search. Then choose your favorite from the first page of results only. You get some fun and often CRYPTIC answers.

Here are mine:

My Age:

Place I'd like to travel:

My Favorite Place:

My Favorite Object:
My Favorite Food:

My Favorite Animal:

My Favorite Color: The Town Where I Was Born:
The Town Where I Live:

A Past Pet:

A Past Love:
My Best Friend's Nickname:

My Screen Name:

My First Name:

My Middle Name:

My Last Name:
One of My Bad Habits:

My First Job:

My Grandmother's Name:

My College Degree:

What I'm Doing Right Now:

whew...that took a little longer than I expected (thanks Emily), but it was fun! Feel free to ask any questions if the images are confusing.

Now it's your turn. Post a comment on my blog when you've finished so I can check out your answers! And, as always...THANKS FOR PLAYING.

Fours

Four places I've lived:
1. Clark, MO
2. Hannibal, MO
3. Columbia, MO
4. St. Louis, MO

Four jobs I've held:
1. daycare worker
2. waitress/bartender/manager
3. tour guide (Mark Twain Cave)
4. teacher/coach

Four places I've vacationed:
1. Cancun, Mexico
2. Cabo, Mexico
3. Sydney, Australia
4. Rotarua, New Zealand

Four celebrity crushes:
1. Johnny Depp
2. John Mayer
3. Keith Urban
4. Jason Stratham

Four nicknames I've been given:
1. Jo
2. JoLynn (my mother wanted to name me Jolene)
3. JoJo (only my father gets away with calling me this)
4. Dougy (my basketball girls)

Four books (favorites):
1. Kite Runner
2. A Time for Dancing
3. The Education of Little Tree
4. Harry Potter

Four television shows I rarely miss:
1. Prison Break
2. Grey's Anatomy
3. Survivor
4. So You Think You Can Dance

Your turn...post your fours and leave me a note in comments.

Ahhh...that's not good...

I noticed that a few of my posts were altered when I changed my blog layout. Newcomers who read through any of my older postings might be under the impression that I have an aversion to introductions...really I don't...I love introductions, and conclusions...and well, everything in between too. So, if interested, you might want to go back to 'Reminiscing' and 'Women...second class citizens?!?!' to see that there actually was an intro. :)
Thanks for reading...

Blog changes

I'm in the process of playing with some new designs on the blog page, so don't be surprised if it looks completely different from day to day. My friend Emily (probably the most creative friend I've ever had) has me thinking I need to spruce up my page. While I know it will never be as cool as hers, it will still be fun playing.

So, if you see something you like...or don't like...feel free to comment!

Club 33...Happy Birthday to Me!!

The first 33 years have been pretty amazing...here's to the next being just as enjoyable. Thank you to all those who have already sent me birthday cards and wishes!

Life intervening

Yesterday I posted about still dealing with feelings concerning an ex-boyfriend and how relationships with other men have never been quite as comfortable as that first relationship. Last night I got an anonymous text message from a number that was not saved in my phone. The area code was from Florida and I could think of only one person. The messages were coming from D., the ex-boyfriend aforementioned.

D. was in town for the Cards game and wanted to know if I would meet up with him. After our last encounter, I found this shocking and a little unnerving...not to mention how completely ironic that I had just posted about him.

It was decided that he would come by my place to talk...he promised no drama. It was weird and yet nice to see him. He apologized for his reactions the last time we had been together and went on to say that I had never deserved any of the things that he put me through while we were dating. While I hold myself responsible for half of everything that was good and bad, it was nice to hear those words. We both agreed that leaving things the way we had wasn't good for either of us. D. echoed my words (in my blog post) by saying that he wondered if we had met a few years later if things wouldn't have worked out differently. (Yes, it weirded me out a bit.)

D. had an early morning flight this morning; I have no idea when I will see or talk to him again. There is part of me that is really sad about that...last night as we spoke, things were 'comfortable' and fell right into place, as if we had never stepped away from the relationship. Forgiveness is good and having open communication with D. again feels right. I am not even considering that things will ever work out with D. and I again, but there was a need to mend the friendship that I've had now for about a third of my life. Maybe not being at peace with this previous relationship was one of the factors in my not allowing others to happen?

Dumb Luck?...and dating

I had my summer school kids working on a narrative writing assignment that began with a brainstorming activity entitled "Songs of My Heart." The idea is that oftentimes memories are linked to music, so by thinking of songs that have meaning to you, you in turn think of a memorable moment. It is amazing how many songs can be written on a person's heart. Many songs make me think of special people or moments shared. One of the songs that seems to be playing in my mind and (oddly enough) on my iPod a lot these days is Comfortable by John Mayer.

The particular lyric that hits me hardest is, "that you were my first love is just dumb luck, a technicality, you were ahead of me." How true that is...the one person that I felt the most comfortable and myself around was the first guy I seriously dated. I wonder had we met and dated later in life if the outcome would have been different? Would we have been on the same page or would he always still be ahead of me?

I imagine these thoughts have been sparked because I have recently rejoined the dating scene after a seven month hiatus. I'm not in 'relationship' mode yet and I am enjoying just dating different types of guys, but dating is HARD. While not there yet, I do look forward to the time when I feel good about settling into a relationship.