Just one of the many reasons I love him...

While I wonder if it is appropriate to share this personal email with the world, I can't help but want to share it with the world.

For no reason, Scott sent me this message this morning:

As our days melt into a comfortable routine that may, at moments, seem mundane...

I need you to know this...(and please take this seriously)...

I've never met a person with whom I'd rather share all of my moments...my thoughts - big and small, my corny jokes, my slightly awkward stories, my strengths, my weaknesses, and most of all my dreams.

I am so honored to be with you. I hope you know.

I will always love and adore you - just as you are, but also for what you will become.

Scott

Why?

You have left me questioning;
closed doors were reopened
and I find myself in limbo, again.
The healing process is slowed by your ripping
the band aid off, fast and without warning.

Why?
Why pull me into the
doubts you may be having?

I found a small place in my heart to store
my disappointment, while I placed
your happiness, your joy, your future
at the forefront.

It was not easy, but I did it.

Why?
Why disrupt the progress?
Why tell me things were best when we were together?
Why make me question your happiness,
when it was the one salvation I had for a breaking heart?

"You're going to miss out..."

My good friend Eric text me last night with the following comment, "You're going to miss out on another great guy...". And, he's right. Again I have allowed my own fear and insecurities to keep me from trying to have a successful relationship. I have put my job, my family, and my own interests at the forefront of my life...purposely...forcing any romantic relationship to take a backseat. The most difficult part in coming to terms with the truth of this statement is that I have pushed away a really great guy...one that has never done anything but show me the truest of friendships and unbelievable patience.

Life intervening

Yesterday I posted about still dealing with feelings concerning an ex-boyfriend and how relationships with other men have never been quite as comfortable as that first relationship. Last night I got an anonymous text message from a number that was not saved in my phone. The area code was from Florida and I could think of only one person. The messages were coming from D., the ex-boyfriend aforementioned.

D. was in town for the Cards game and wanted to know if I would meet up with him. After our last encounter, I found this shocking and a little unnerving...not to mention how completely ironic that I had just posted about him.

It was decided that he would come by my place to talk...he promised no drama. It was weird and yet nice to see him. He apologized for his reactions the last time we had been together and went on to say that I had never deserved any of the things that he put me through while we were dating. While I hold myself responsible for half of everything that was good and bad, it was nice to hear those words. We both agreed that leaving things the way we had wasn't good for either of us. D. echoed my words (in my blog post) by saying that he wondered if we had met a few years later if things wouldn't have worked out differently. (Yes, it weirded me out a bit.)

D. had an early morning flight this morning; I have no idea when I will see or talk to him again. There is part of me that is really sad about that...last night as we spoke, things were 'comfortable' and fell right into place, as if we had never stepped away from the relationship. Forgiveness is good and having open communication with D. again feels right. I am not even considering that things will ever work out with D. and I again, but there was a need to mend the friendship that I've had now for about a third of my life. Maybe not being at peace with this previous relationship was one of the factors in my not allowing others to happen?

Dumb Luck?...and dating

I had my summer school kids working on a narrative writing assignment that began with a brainstorming activity entitled "Songs of My Heart." The idea is that oftentimes memories are linked to music, so by thinking of songs that have meaning to you, you in turn think of a memorable moment. It is amazing how many songs can be written on a person's heart. Many songs make me think of special people or moments shared. One of the songs that seems to be playing in my mind and (oddly enough) on my iPod a lot these days is Comfortable by John Mayer.

The particular lyric that hits me hardest is, "that you were my first love is just dumb luck, a technicality, you were ahead of me." How true that is...the one person that I felt the most comfortable and myself around was the first guy I seriously dated. I wonder had we met and dated later in life if the outcome would have been different? Would we have been on the same page or would he always still be ahead of me?

I imagine these thoughts have been sparked because I have recently rejoined the dating scene after a seven month hiatus. I'm not in 'relationship' mode yet and I am enjoying just dating different types of guys, but dating is HARD. While not there yet, I do look forward to the time when I feel good about settling into a relationship.