My Fellas!

We're Engaged!!

Scott "popped" the question Saturday night after finishing our meal at Trattoria Marcella. I, surprised and overjoyed, said YES!! No details yet...I'm just going to take some time to enjoy these moments.

Just one of the many reasons I love him...

While I wonder if it is appropriate to share this personal email with the world, I can't help but want to share it with the world.

For no reason, Scott sent me this message this morning:

As our days melt into a comfortable routine that may, at moments, seem mundane...

I need you to know this...(and please take this seriously)...

I've never met a person with whom I'd rather share all of my moments...my thoughts - big and small, my corny jokes, my slightly awkward stories, my strengths, my weaknesses, and most of all my dreams.

I am so honored to be with you. I hope you know.

I will always love and adore you - just as you are, but also for what you will become.

Scott

An Update

With so much going on lately I've not taken the time to sit down and write on this space. Technically I should be reading with my students during silent sustained reading, but I'm not...not a very good model today.

Since Writers Week, things have been pretty anti-climatic around school. It's hard to top the reaction and the enthusiasm the students had for that event. I am still receiving positive feedback from administration and kids though...that's awesome!

It is difficult getting back into paper grading mode.

It is nice not having a student teacher anymore! My first day of teaching again was like a drug. I had a "high" like I'd not had in awhile...my students noticed. It's a great feeling when you realize you are right where you should be, doing what you are meant to be doing.

I'm in a writing group with a couple of my colleagues and I love it. I haven't been writing nearly as much lately...not really sure why I'm not finding the motivation, but I love that we are sharing our lives and our knowledge with each other in this way.

This summer is wedding season...several of my Blair Oaks kids are getting married...they are sooo young (or rather, I'm getting old!).

I'm smitten. For the first time in a long time (if ever), I am allowing myself to just enjoy these moments and not over think this. Yesterday afternoon I found myself thinking "this is really going to hurt if it doesn't work out." Then, completely uncharacteristic of me, I told myself to not think about it...that even if it doesn't work out, I wouldn't trade all the moments and laughter we've shared over the past couple weeks. It feels good.

Happiness and Heartache are Intertwined

Today I wept.

D. called to tell me he is engaged; he wanted me to hear the news from him. I am happy for him, sincerely happy for him! I knew the day would come; I have always wanted him to find the love and the happiness I could not give him. And, I really do appreciate that he still cares about me enough to have told me himself.

I just hadn't prepared myself for my reaction to the news. Today I found myself grieving the loss of our relationship, again. There is a part of me that is embarrassed by my reaction, part of me angry; but mostly, I am glad I took the opportunity to love deeply enough that I feel this pain at a molecular level, at the very core of my being. It is my hope that I will have the opportunity and take the chance to experience this depth of love again.

Tomorrow, I will revel in the dawning of a new day and I will force myself to experience the beauty that surrounds me. Tomorrow, I will be happy for what I have in my life and not what I think I am missing. Tomorrow, I will be "me" again; but today...

Today, I allow myself to react to the news, to let myself grieve, to feel sad, and to let my heart ache. Today, I listen to my "sad" CD and wish for an Unbreakable Heart.

"You're going to miss out..."

My good friend Eric text me last night with the following comment, "You're going to miss out on another great guy...". And, he's right. Again I have allowed my own fear and insecurities to keep me from trying to have a successful relationship. I have put my job, my family, and my own interests at the forefront of my life...purposely...forcing any romantic relationship to take a backseat. The most difficult part in coming to terms with the truth of this statement is that I have pushed away a really great guy...one that has never done anything but show me the truest of friendships and unbelievable patience.

Reminiscing

Here's to those men in my life who taught me even more about who I am and what I want. Each relationship was a lesson...some better than others, but nonetheless, I took something positive from each experience. Please note while reading that I have no misconceptions about my role in the demise of these relationships.

E...a.k.a...The Heartbreaker
The first boy I ever dated. I was young, naive and fell head over heels for him. The bliss lasted about three and a half months before he decided he "wasn't being fair to me." I was devastated and unfortunately a little pathetic in dealing with my heartache. (It now makes me shake my head and smile.) E is in his second marriage and oddly enough we have remained friends for about fifteen years.

F...a.k.a...The One I Should Have Married?
The first boy to take an interest in me at college...I brushed him aside in order to date E.
Despite my rejection, we remained close. He made me laugh hysterically, he made me feel safe, loved, and beautiful. He was four years older and seemed way too intelligent and too sophisticated to ever be happy (in my mind) with the likes of me...he also seemed to know what he wanted while I was just beginning to seriously think and dream about my future. He equally scared and excited me; fear won out and we went in different directions. If soul mates exist, F is one of mine. F is married and we too remain friends.

D...a.k.a...The First Boy I Ever Really Loved
He transferred in my junior year of college...I noticed him in the student union and was really surprised when he suddenly started contacting me. We had so much in common: upbringings, interests, sports, friends, etc. I fell in love with his family soon after I fell in love with him. I experienced things with D that I now find myself looking for in the new men I date. We dated for three years before breaking up. It was ugly, it was painful and unhealthy for the both of us. We remained in contact...ocassional contact; I remained in very close contact with his family. D and I still relied on each other in our most difficult moments. We tried it again...he was planning on proposing; I had no idea. I'm still very close to his family, but haven't spoken to D since last April...there was a blow-up; he was hoping for things I couldn't give him. He has since cut off/declined all communications with me...I miss him a lot, but know that no matter how much I love him, we are not meant to be together. I wish him all the happiness in love and life and I will always appreciate, love, and respect him for allowing me to remain close to his family.

S...a.k.a...The Bait and Switch
We met through a mutual friend and hit it off instantly. He was supportive and loved that I was a teacher and a coach. S saw me at some of my weakest moments and was great about just hugging me tightly and not trying to say the right thing. He was ready to settle down and he began to make me think that I was also. He was instrumental in a decision to further my career at a different school...he suddenly became less supportive. S began telling me that when we got married I could no longer coach because I would have to be home to take care of our children. I ended things, realizing that I was not ready to settle down, nor was I going to allow anyone to make decisions for me. S is married...I have not talked to him since the breakup.

S...a.k.a...The Confused Half-Truther
Our first face to face meeting was over a cup of coffee where we had great conversations about books, life, love, and the world in general. As we readied ourselves to go, S anxiously asked if he could take me out for dinner the following weekend. I accepted and so began a whirlwind courtship of about four months. S said he was divorced...I found out he was actually separated and that papers were about to be filed. S said that he was ready to move on with his life...he insisted I meet his ex (or soon to be) wife. I did after much hesitation...she was lovely and in different circumstances, I imagine that we could be really good friends. While I pursued the relationship at a steady speed(much to his chagrin), S mentioned me moving into his house. S and I had some wonderful times together, the last being a trip to spend Thanksgiving with his mother. A couple weeks later the history on his computer showed that he had been visiting a singles website...when confronted with this truth, S said he hadn't given himself enough time to grieve his divorce and that he thought we were just too different. He wanted to remain friends, to continue to hang out...I said no.