Stress and disappointment

There have been a lot of things going on in my life as of late...much that has left me probably more stressed than I have been in years (it's comparable to those semesters of two sports, 18 hours of classes, and a failing relationship).

First and foremost right now is the decision to get out of my current apartment lease due to the negligence of the property management to maintain safe and appropriate living conditions (i.e. they won't fix the things going wrong; I've had a mold problem for over a month). It's been frustrating to say the least, and that the maintenance and ownership take no responsibility is beyond aggravating. At this point I am talking to some lawyer friends and seeing whether or not I should expect more than the termination of my lease and the return of my deposit. It is very much out of my character to "go after" anyone, but I feel like the complex has a responsibility to me, the renter. I doubt that anything more will come of this, but my competitive nature and overall sense of fairness makes me exhaust every option in order to feel better about the situation. So, this leaves me with the daunting task of finding and securing a new place to live, packing, and moving within the next thirty days...in the midst of the school year. (If you find yourself free the last weekend in October, feel free to volunteer your services to assist me in moving! Oh, and if you ever move to (or seek a new location) StL, make sure to ask me where not to live!)

Next on the list of stresses...school. The year is going great, but I always seem to be so far behind in grading. The quarter ends next week, so that always brings about a bit more stress as there is so much to get finished before that time. It doesn't help that most of my brain (and time) seems to be filled with thoughts of moving therefore any free time I do find, I don't want to sit and grade papers (hmmm...I sit here and blog instead of grade papers).
If I didn't have such a great group of kids and wonderful people to work with, it might be too much at the moment!!

Lastly, on top of the aforementioned stresses, I feel like I've been disrespected by the new guy in my life. I won't go into detail here now because a discussion needs to be had...at the moment I'm feeling more than a little hurt and disappointed.

Oddly enough, this is my horoscope for the day: Make any decisions you have to in order to avoid feeling unsettled. Get busy making those changes to your home. Don't overlook that fact that someone you care about may be hiding something.

Daddy's Little Girl, With a Broken Heart

I am my father's daughter; I have his sense of humor, we share several physical characteristics, have many of the same interests, and we are both a bit guarded and yet very tenderhearted. For years I also thought I received my strength, sense of responsibility, and dedication to family from him...it has been in recent years I have learned these are qualities that come from my mother.

My dad has always been the most important person in my life. While growing up, there wasn't anything I wouldn't do to be in his presence: beg, plead, cry, purposely piss off my mom, skip outings with my friends, etc. Although a very social person, my father is a bit of a loner. He always had friends, but few of them would be considered close. It is because of this trait that I had to work really hard to have more than just a surface relationship with him.

Every decision I made was first sifted through the filter of what would disappoint my father. My interests were often determined by the things my father enjoyed, in hopes that we could bond over the experience. I was proud of my father and for him to be proud of me was all I ever desired. Pats on the back were few and far between, but those few were magical, and I can remember every detail of the moment.

In the last few years, I have been forced to see and accept the flaws that lie within my dad. While I was never naive enough to believe he was perfect, I realize now I had devised a different set of rules for my father...much different from the standards everyone else in my life was expected to follow. My father devastated my family by straying from his marriage vows. After thirty-five years of marriage, my parents divorced and I found myself making excuses for his transgressions.

I grieve the family I lost (age does not make divorce any easier), but more than that, I miss the rose-colored glasses that were stripped from my eyes in regards to my father. It has been painful to realize his disrespect toward my mother, my siblings, and myself.

Despite the choices my father has made, I love him and I want him to be happy. It is this undeniable love for him that also pains me. I find that as he moves in a different direction in his life the relationship I have worked so hard to build, for so many years, has also begun to deteriorate. I am forced to face the possibility that this relationship has always been more one sided than I ever wanted to believe. I hate feeling like I wasted years of my life chasing something that could never be obtained...I want him to do the chasing for a while. So much of who I am is wrapped in who I thought he was and the relationship I thought we had...there is a part of me that really needs him to prove to me that it wasn't all a lie.

The pedestal on which I placed my father has come crashing down and the splinters of reality have embedded themselves deep within my skin, quite possibly my soul. Never before have I been faced with the question: which is worse, disappointing my father or being disappointed by him? Right now, I'm not sure if I am strong enough to handle the answer that is staring back at me.