Beginning to practice

For years I have written in journals; on my closet shelves live the memories of my youth, my present predicaments, and my future hopes and dreams. Writing has always been my way of decompressing, of dealing with my anger, my fear, my insecurities, my stresses, and all the things over which I seem to have little control.

I imagine that part of the reason I began writing in journals was because it was easier to have an internal dialogue, purged on paper, than it was to speak those feelings/frustrations to those who evoked them. It was easier to cry on the crumpled pages than it was to express my pain to those who loved me...and would later blame themselves for my tears. I realize now that it was easier and, it was learned. I grew up in a tight-knit family who never really expressed their deepest pains, fears, struggles, etc. I was neither told nor felt that I couldn't share those feelings, I just never wanted to burden anyone else.

Recently, a man I dated several months ago contacted me and in a conversation he told me that I had always kept him at arm's length, that I would never let him get close. I have really struggled with this comment because I feel that I am an open book. I will share any part of my life with anyone who asks...I have no secrets. It is upon further consideration of this comment that I realize, maybe he has a point. I still resort to the journal to express the day to day frustrations, and irritants...are these the things that he wanted me to share? While I considered these matters to be trivial in the broad scheme of things, are these the items that he needed me to share in order for him to feel close to me? Is it really the little events in our daily lives that eventually have more bearing than those major events that come so few and far between?

So, here I am. I have toyed with the idea of blogging for quite some time and I now think it is time to begin. It is time that I share those day to day thoughts and musings with the world...or at least give the world the opportunity to see/hear them. Maybe it is a bit selfish on my part to practice here, but I've seen no better place to begin. While I know that I will never completely give up the journaling, maybe I'll cut down on the storage space needed to house all those memories.